No matter the context – relationships, personal development programs, or businesses – we all feel certain things are supposed to happen in certain situations. And we’re disappointed when they don’t.

But no one knows what’s going on with another, especially where there is no communication.

Some of us are busy feeling underappreciated. Some of us are waiting for the breakthrough we’re supposed to be having, getting frustrated that it’s not showing up. Some of us feel like we’re missing the training we require to be effective in the role we were given.

Western culture owes a great deal to assumption. We assume people know. We assume people are competent. We assume people have the same capacity, ability, or skills we have. This is what we expect.

“They’ll do fine,” we say. And we’re surprised to find our significant others, peers, collaborators, or partners consistently missing the target when we haven’t even generated the dartboard. How does someone know how to act when they haven’t been given the rules to begin with?

“XYZ should be setting aside time to individually call everyone on the team.”

“ABC should know why I’m offended and why they should apologize to me profusely if they ever hope to be spoken to again.”

And often people don’t know. Aren’t skilled. Aren’t thinking about others. Can’t see past their frenzied world of to-dos, assignments, calls, meetings, relationships, and circumstances.

This is not about finger-pointing. It’s about recognizing that communication isn’t happening where it’s supposed to be happening.

Those who are disempowered or are wondering why things are being done a certain way when they could be done another way need to speak up about their expectations.

Those in positions of power who are assuming knowledge, know-how, or specific actions need to speak up, ask whether everyone knows what they’re doing, and if not, provide opportunities for training.

No matter what it is, you need to speak up. No one hears the thoughts that sit comfortably in your head.

Never hold onto expectations. Either share them or surrender them entirely. Otherwise, you’re premeditating resentment. You’re thinking about all the ways you’ll be mad when someone doesn’t pass a test, they were never given the study material for.

Passing the Test

Many of us are hoping that the people we’re surrounded by are mind readers. They will somehow figure out how we’re feeling, and if they can’t, we reserve the right to feel upset or retaliate.

Essentially, many of us have unconscious “tests” we expect others to pass, even though we’ve never given them the study material.

It’s not wrong to live this way. But it will add more stress to your life than not. It will not allow you to relax.

If your expectations haven’t been defined, no one knows what you want or need. The information is missing.

If you’re a manager of a team, and you haven’t explained where they’re going or why, you don’t get to act disappointed when they fail to meet expectations, because you never told anyone what you wanted!

Another scenario where this can easily apply is dating or relationships. Most of us expect a lot from our partners or prospective partners, but if you truly want to give others a chance, you’ve got to offer some guidance. Don’t assume another person knows what you like. Show them what you like! Don’t be afraid to lead the way.

Unspoken Expectations and Personal Growth

If there is an unspoken expectation you are afraid to voice, you must consider why you can’t talk about it. Those uneasy feelings make you aware of conversations you’re unwilling to have. A new possibility can’t emerge in situations you’re unwilling to face.

In large part, personal growth revolves around communication. Successful people are those who ask for what they want, and they don’t keep things bottled up.

Does this mean you should say everything that’s in your head, no matter how crude, rude, or offensive? Of course not. How you say things is as important as what you say. Creating a positive outcome will prove challenging if you can’t see things from another person’s perspective.

The point is to determine what you are willing to communicate in conversation. If you don’t learn how to discuss and express your needs, you will forever be at the mercy of what others think you want or need.

Expectation is sometimes overlooked in personal expansion. But it is an area rife with possibilities. As you identify the conversations you’re scared to have and begin having them, your world will transform.

Conversely, if you keep bottling things up, you will only grow frustrated.

If in Doubt, Ask All Your Friends

If you want to see how this all works, then why not ask your friends?

• “When you said X, I was feeling Y. Did you know?”
• “When you brought A, I was hoping you would bring B instead. Did you have any idea?”
• “I was expecting that the birthday party would turn out G. But I was disappointed when it ended up H. Did that occur to you?”

Don’t ask in an accusatory tone. That’s key!

But treat it like an experiment. You may be surprised to find that most people are not telepathic, and don’t even necessarily know your reasons for being upset!

They may not even remember all those instances that seemed burned into your memory.

Yes, we all need to control life. But mistakes will be made if you try to manage others passive-aggressively.

Embrace a new possibility. Learn to express your expectations before they turn to resentment.

Conclusion, Unspoken Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments

Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments because people have no idea how to meet your needs when you haven’t expressed them. Almost invariably, this leads to disappointment and anger.

The trouble is that we haven’t taken responsibility for ourselves. We haven’t realized that we’re responsible for our success and failure in life.

If we want to create understanding with others, we should strive to behave in a way that makes it clear. We should say what we need to say, and be open to any response. This will allow for unprecedented growth.

Did you realize or decide anything new? Are you able to imagine what life will be like when you’re fully self-expressed? Are you excited to express what you’re expecting?

Let us know in the comments below.