As the days pass, I’ve started to wonder whether I’m even doing this experiment “right.” I’ve asked myself whether I’ve already lost sight of the original intention.
Yet, I am still discovering new things on a near-daily basis. This leads me to believe that the experiment is somehow playing out exactly as it’s supposed to.
Here are a couple of things that have stuck out to me today:
I’m realizing that with this experiment I’ve set myself up to allow for virtually no mental escapes, at a time in my life when all I want to do is escape how I’m feeling. My default way to handle this, based on what I’ve been discovering about myself, would be to drown the pain in pleasure – food, movies, games, and other addictions.
But because I’ve been healing my eye floaters, and because I’m committed to the experiment, I’ve been staying away from several forms of addictions.
As difficult as it has been at times (and I have not done it perfectly), the things I’ve been discovering about myself have been worth the trouble.
As I reduce mental escapes, I’m seeing that:
- I don’t need the distractions anywhere near as much as I thought I did.
- The distractions were masking fleeting anxious feelings.
- The anxiety-distraction insanity cycle is addictive, and it can play out without you even noticing.
- I can fill the time lost to distractions with more productive things.
- I’m attracted to more women (which is something I’ve heard from people who’ve given up porn, even if temporarily).
Doing Vs. Being
I can see clearly now that my default mode has been “do, do, do” especially in the last 15 years or so. I wasn’t expecting to hit a figurative brick wall at this time, but that’s where life had led me. And now I get to be with the trauma that’s been waiting to be processed for a couple of decades. In all the work I had taken on, that’s what I was running from.
I can’t get back to my default mode now, even if I tried. I’m far too tired and sensitive. And I’m sure one of the reasons I’m tired is because processing past trauma is taxing in its own way.
But during this time, I’ve been discovering what it means to “be.” I never expected “being” to be so effective. People, events, and circumstances seem to line up without effort. Opportunities arise. Projects move. Resources and tools present themselves.
I’m sure this is something the Universe has been wanting me to see for a while, but it had to create the circumstances necessary for me to stop and notice what it’s like to simply be. And now that I’m here, even though I’ve gone through some dark moments, I’m not sure I would have it any other way.
In my 30s, I had a hard time believing that the Universe or God loved me in any capacity. So, I kept my nose to the grindstone. “If it’s to be, it’s up to me” was my mantra. Keeping busy drowned everything else out.
And now I can see that it isn’t all supposed to be hard. It’s just that we often end up choosing paths that aren’t in alignment with our greatest expansion.
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