I am discovering that, in my current condition, working late is not ideal. I worked until after 2:30 AM last night, woke up much too early this morning, and mediated twice to try to compensate for the exhaustion and lack of enthusiasm I knew I would feel.
I’m no stranger to working late on a Thursday night, as I usually have several deadlines to meet. But I have been far more efficient as of late, which has helped curtail these occurrences.
Unfortunately, that’s not how things went this week. I became distracted by editing one of my forthcoming books, to the point where it was cutting into time allocated to pending deadlines.
For the most part, I don’t regret it because working on the book proved surprisingly therapeutic. And I think I need to continue to find projects that I can get lost in. It feels as though it’s one of the healthiest things I can do right now.
Here’s what else I’ve been discovering:
If you remember, loving myself, others, and the Universe is the primary goal of this experiment.
I have been very intentional about sending my past self love during my meditation time. As others come to mind, especially those I need to forgive, I send them love as well.
In some ways, however, I feel as though I might be discovering what “love” is for the first time. This isn’t to say I have not experienced love. It’s not even to say I have some deep-seated wounds from my past that need to be healed to be able to love (though I’m certain I do, and I think the healing has been a part of my dark night of the soul journey in the last few weeks).
It’s more so that I’m not sure I’ve allowed myself to love freely in a long time. I know for sure it hasn’t been a focus of mine through the pandemic years. On the contrary, I got tired of hearing about self-love, and the rather trite expression “love is the answer.” It felt weak to me.
But recent events have brought me to my knees. So, I cast aside my pride, and I came to the point of being willing to rediscover love and spirituality more broadly.
I have been spending the last few weeks isolating a lot. In some ways, this is nothing new. Much of the creative work I do requires that I spend a lot of time alone.
The difference is that where I felt comfortable dropping what I was doing to go run errands before, I’ve been feeling a little shaky in public as of late. Being outside feels overwhelming, and I don’t feel like going out much of the time.
As I write this, I’m beginning to recognize that this burnout is very much of the same kind I experienced before leaving for Japan in 2017. I didn’t think I was feeling overwhelmed this time, and now I’m noticing that I am.
Which tells me that I may need to disconnect from everything for a couple of weeks sometime soon.
Either way, I know that this time will pass. I will not feel like isolating forever. Sometimes, I think it’s a necessary part of one’s spiritual journey. And what I can say about my spiritual journey in the last few weeks is that I have been leaning into it as I haven’t in a long time, if ever.
I am remaining very aware of my inputs and so far, I have stuck to content that inspires, uplifts, or informs 99% of the time. I’m finding it’s much harder to choose good input when you’re feeling tired, anxious, or bored, but I remain vigilant on this front, even today.
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