As I asked myself whether I was truly in surrender, I realized that I wasn’t. I was still trying to control something. My safety. My mortality. Something.

Taking supplements, drinking smoothies, meditating, drinking ashwagandha powder, and staying in my cave. All these things were just distractions to give me the illusion of being in control and safe.

But having recognized that I was not in surrender, I decided that I could finally let go. Whatever I was trying to control, whatever I was trying to protect myself from, was not happening right now. I didn’t need to find safety. I have always been protected by the hands of the divine.

It only took a moment to let go once again. The tenseness in my body finally relaxed. I quieted all the questioning that had been running through my mind and gently put my focus on accepting things as they were, though I didn’t understand them.

As I turned to my daily reading, I had an even deeper realization:

This entire year has been about surrender.

I didn’t know when the year had begun, but the theme started to emerge in the few months I was living in Penticton.

Around April, I made a conscious decision to move into surrender. I could see that my way, whatever that was, wasn’t working. My business wasn’t growing. My life partner wasn’t manifesting. I could not find a permanent home – only temporary refuges. I began working out and saw results, but even after 10 months of consistent effort I am not the He-Man I imagined myself to be (yet).

If my way doesn’t work, then surely the Universe knows better than I. So, I began to surrender.

In that space, opportunity started to show up, especially in my romantic life. It did not always lead somewhere, but it gave me hope and reassurance that even if I felt like I was trudging wearily through a desert, the occasional oasis would permit me a moment of relief.

Funny that the Okanagan, where Penticton is located, kind of resembles a desert. And the beaches truly are a treasure, akin to an oasis.

I learned something about surrender in those months, and I could see that it did work much better than my attempts to control everything. But at some point, I felt as though I had gotten everything I needed out of those experiences.

I was wrong. Situations kept showing up that required my surrender.

Eye floaters. Surrender. Getting kicked out of a friend’s home. Surrender. Dog sitting. Surrender. Spending generous amounts of time resting and in recovery (instead of working). Surrender.

Even the Mindvalley course I just completed, The Art of Manifesting, was all about surrender: 80% surrender/mindset, 20% inspired action.

And as I look to double and triple my business now, my book reminds me of the same – surrender. Don’t try to manifest anything by force. Simply focus on the goal and take steps towards it. Don’t focus on the “how.”

Knowing that there was a purpose to this year gives me a sense of comfort.