You feel a stirring on the inside. You become present to wounds long forgotten.
But what then…?
The rote religious answer is that wounds are stirred up to be healed.
It sounds amazing. I wish it were true. But I simply haven’t found that to be the case.
When something gets stirred in me, it’s more like a reminder of my inability to do anything about my circumstances. It’s a reminder that I’m about to make another lap around the same mountain I’ve been circling for years. Decades even. It’s become rote, uninteresting, and sad.
But I don’t know any other way. I haven’t been shown another way. I’ve come this far without access to new paths. And no one in their right mind would say I haven’t tried.
The stirring is wasted on someone like me. Then again, I can’t say I know anyone who would say otherwise.
I want my healing more than anyone else wants it for me. But wanting it accomplishes nothing. It’s like a job half done. God, or the Universe, or All, decided to take the trash out, but only got as far as bagging the garbage, and never got as far as taking it out.
God decided to stir something up but decided not to do anything to heal it. Because God, if there is one, doesn’t care about such trivialities.
“God works on His own time” is another rote, religious answer. Thoroughly unhelpful, and based on my experience, categorically untrue as well.
God is the one with something to prove, not I. They’ve made promises. I haven’t.
If there is a God, though, I sure hope He’s not worried about me. I hope He’s out there dealing with real problems in the world. My problems are insignificant and unimportant. That’s become abundantly clear.
When a friend doesn’t answer your calls, doesn’t show up to parties, doesn’t help you with a flat or your next move… the message is clear.
And we’re not talking about friends. We’re talking about an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent being.
Got the message. Loud and clear. God doesn’t care about me. And that’s good. I hope He’s out there solving the world’s problems, because the world needs a lot of help right now.
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