The last couple of days have been unexpected. But in a good way.
Yesterday, a friend invited me to spend the day in the city with her.
Today, I spent the day with my parents, who are only in town for a few days.
I didn’t know that I needed to spend time with these exact people at this exact time.
I was recently on the fast track to Burnoutville, and I’ve been spending more time resting and recovering (while working) since.
I was somewhat dreading getting back out to spend time with friends and family. Until I found out it was precisely what I needed to find more sanity and grounding.
Even in these crazy, messed up times, it’s comforting to know some unseen higher power cares enough about this guy to do something to lift his spirits and help him on this road to betterment.
I found the tools, the relationships, the connection I so desperately needed and didn’t even know I was missing. And I can’t deny the healing power of nature and exploration either.
From here on out, things are going to be different. I don’t think I can go back to the way things were.
It’s strange to say, but in this moment, I care less about growth and accomplishment than ever (and this is about ALL I’ve cared about in the last nine years or so – where exactly has that gotten me to?). I care less and less about striving. I’m getting the sense that striving isn’t how achievement occurs.
Because I’ve experienced most shades of burnout, and all of them are a different kind of unpleasant, some of them a taste of hell.
And even though they all ultimately led to something beautiful, be it a collection of songs, or a trip to reunite with friends I hadn’t seen in nearly two decades, I can’t look back and say those burnout experiences were worth it.
I will NEVER discount the lessons that came from them. I have always learned something. Every single time. Usually something immeasurably more powerful than I would have ever conceived.
But do I want to go through this again, knowing how drastically it changes my experience of life? No.
Again, I have no doubt something beautiful will yield from this experience also. But it’s still too fresh to know what that is. All I want right now is more sleep. More rest. More comfort and connection.
From here on out, I see myself putting limits on my work. Prioritizing projects. Avoiding the high-pressure, fast-paced race to finishing one thing and then the next. I’ve been remembering to ask “why?” but maybe not enough.
Pushing hard to meet deadlines? I don’t think that’s in the cards right now.
On that note, if you’re reading this right now, I doubt there will be a new podcast episode tomorrow. I don’t think there’s any sense in rushing something out that I haven’t been able to dedicate time, attention, or energy to. And let’s face it – it would just be more of the same – putting myself under the gun to get something done. My body doesn’t want it. I don’t want it.
It’s time for more trust. And a little less striving. A little more divine. And a little less self.
I’ve been working a little less over the last couple of days for obvious reasons. And it has been transformational for me. Much needed.
Two days has felt more like two weeks. Because I did something out of the ordinary. Took the time to notice my state and my surroundings.
Tomorrow I get back to work in a more intentional way. But in a less anxious, fast-paced, under-the-gun kind of way. Work and rest.
And I will be publishing again tomorrow for sure. It will probably be something along these lines.
I just know that something different is emerging. A world where I focus on enjoyment and fulfillment. Not just on growth and achievement. Or even the money. A world where I get swept up in the joy of creation. Putting more living into life. Because without that, I honestly think it’s empty. I’ve found the bottom of that well, and it’s a slice of death.
Shh… Don’t tell anyone. Only the cool kids are talking about it.