I’ve had a ROTTEN day.
And I don’t like talking about rotten days, because there’s enough negative in this world without me adding to it.
I woke up today way too early, completely exhausted…
Unable to focus on my work…
And feeling irritated with everybody and everything.
It’s no one else’s fault. I’ve been pushing myself a lot lately and keeping to multiple daily habits on top of my coursework, projects, and client work.
None of it happened without my permission. I was the one that let it get to this point.
I could have taken more breaks, taken things in stride, and spent less time on things that didn’t require my immediate attention. I had a CHOICE.
But I saw myself as superhuman, impervious to tiredness, exhaustion, and burnout. NOT that this is the first time I’ve ever done this mind you.
So, I’m sitting here typing this post out. Because I’ve committed to publish every day for 365 days (this is only day 22…).
And I don’t want to hit the “Publish” button, because this post has nothing to do with nothing and it doesn’t matter that someone you don’t know had a bad day. Especially since he’ll probably bounce back tomorrow.
No way I’m sending this post out via email. God forbid.
And I’m especially hesitant about this part…
It just feels like nothing’s good enough.
I’ve been reflecting on that today. Not like it’s a fun thing to reflect on.
But I’ve come to recognize that these types of constraints are always tied to pivotal moments in our lives.
In my case, probably something to do with my dad who’s no longer here.
What comes to mind is the time my dad confronted Mr. M (click on the link above to learn more about Mr. M if you want). Mr. M was abusive towards his students, including me.
Although the confrontation didn’t put an end to his abusive behavior (he might still be at it today), he was a little more careful around me after that.
To create a little more distance between myself and harm’s way, I quit the basketball team (Mr. M was the coach).
But no sooner did my dad inform me that I had to grow up, become an adult, and start doing extracurricular work for allowance, because otherwise I was plain lazy.
I was 12 or 13. I only wanted to be a kid while I could be a kid. That was my only desire at the time.
In that moment, I couldn’t tell apart one tyrant from the other. Because they both sounded alike.
So, nothing’s good enough. And I can easily find a preponderance of evidence to suggest that this is absolutely beyond reproach if I wanted to.
I don’t want to sit here and spend the next 15 minutes typing out the show notes for another god-forsaken podcast episode no one listens to, shares, or cares about. AND I’m going to do it anyway. Because that’s who I am.
And the only reason I do what I do now is because I want it so badly. Riches? No. Wealth? No. Fame? No.
What I want so badly is for the people that engage with my stuff to be impacted, inspired, and transformed. I just KNOW that if they invested in themselves, they would have incredible breakthroughs. I want it so badly that it stops me from banging my keyboard against my head, which seems preferable to typing out this hogwash and publishing it. But publish I will. Because I must. It’s a commitment I’ve made to myself.
Sorry. Tomorrow will be better.
Still rooting for you and the life you want to create through music…