Having spent a couple days away from work (mostly) and with people I care about, I woke up today feeling the best I have in a while.
I still felt like I needed more sleep, and felt a little sad, but aside from that, I sensed that I was well on my way to recovering from exhaustion.
Then I began to feel intensely sad as the day wore on (not depressed – just sad). So intensely sad, in fact, that I also started to feel restless – something I haven’t felt since 2017.
I assume this is all part of the process. My intuitive friend said I was “recalibrating” the other day. That seems to fit the bill.
But when I dug a little deeper into this sadness (not that I was under any obligation to), this is what came up for me:
As I shared yesterday, I’ve basically spent the last nine years chasing growth and achievement. That has resulted in some cool things. I can’t deny that.
But now that I’m on the other end of it, it all strikes me as being very empty. And I can certainly acknowledge myself for what I’ve accomplished, but I’m not even close to having gotten what I set out to get!
And it’s altogether too easy to put some desires and pursuits in the “later” pile when you’re busy chasing other dreams.
But how do you KNOW those things on the backburner aren’t just as important to you achieving your dreams as the dream itself? As I’ve been discovering, they probably are just as crucial to the process!
I don’t think any of my desires can go in the later pile anymore. They all need to find their expression.
And that certainly plays a part in…
Amid recovery, I didn’t have much of a desire to get together with anyone. The thought was causing me some anxiety, so I didn’t want to show my face until I felt ready.
But as I’ve been finding in the last couple of days, connecting with others has set me on a course of healing much faster than if I had attempted to navigate and sort this all out of my own!
Self-reliance and self-dependence have taken their toll. I’ve relied much too heavily on myself over the last nine years.
Even coaches need coaches. Mentors need mentors. Friends need friends. And lovers need lovers.
I think my mentors were right – human beings are made for connection. We need each other, no matter how dysfunctional we are together at times.
This goes hand in hand with…
Life was easy to take for granted only six or seven months ago, before the so-called “pandemic” lockdown.
Back then, we were all able to live and travel freely. Do what we wanted when we wanted. That’s all gone now, and it may not come back until the higher powers say it’s back. Even then, there are no guarantees.
I moved from Calgary, AB to Abbotsford, BC a little over a year ago. Back then, I was beginning to embark on what I thought would be an exciting journey of living a nomadic life, traveling the world, and connecting with my extended network. And I started by exploring western Canada and U.S.
But now that I’m unable to travel, much to my surprise, my context for my basement suite has shifted from an exciting first step on a grand adventure, to a dark, sad, and lonely place where I live alone. Partly because this is not what I had in mind.
Then the thing that takes the cake…
I had to make some difficult decisions last year and they were made under duress.
First, I endured the hardest breakup of my life. Then I had to figure out what to do next.
There was an opportunity staring back at me – and that was to live the nomadic life – something I had been contemplating for a few years. Maybe if I could travel the world, some things “back home” would begin to sort themselves out too.
That is what I settled on. But first, I decided to move to Abbotsford, BC near Vancouver. I spent some time in Vancouver last year and ended up liking it. And I also had a few friends out this way (some who I hadn’t seen in a long time, others who I hadn’t even met).
Just before I moved, though, our family poodle, Kenji passed.
And the move itself – well, that was kind of a catastrophe too. My car broke down less than an hour from my destination. And, I had to make a lot of last-minute decisions concerning my furniture and other stuff I knew I would need to leave behind.
Now I find myself 10 hours away from where I had set down my roots for over 20 years.
Maybe, for the first time in a while, I have the space and time to mourn all that didn’t go right. And all that self-reliance and self-dependency is coming crashing down.
Shh… Don’t tell anyone. Only the cool kids are talking about it.