Recently in Courage Category

I got up at 7 AM today. Not that that should come as any surprise, but for those who know me you know that I've been making an effort to get up earlier since January 2008. For nearly 3 months I had been getting up at about 6 AM, and it seemed to be going well, until I finally burned out and had a panic attack in late February.

I don't think lack of sleep was the only reason I had a panic attack, but it certainly didn't help any. Moreover, I think I was having a hard time seeing a better future for myself. I expected bad things, because I had been through a lot and had trouble seeing my past in a positive light. I didn't plan for the future.

Slowly but surely I am beginning to see a better future for myself. I am beginning to see that anything is possible with the right mindset, and it's never too late to begin anew. I am finally planning for the future again, which was all but nonexistent in my previous mindset. I did not believe in a future. It's amazing how things can change when you start to see the world differently.

Recently I've been reflecting on how we all have a "birthright" of sorts. When we are born, we are bestowed with fearlessness and recklessness. Or, a more eloquent way of putting it is that we are born with no fears or cares in the world. Fears are learned behavior. While I have no scientific proof for what I am saying, my experience has shown this to be true.

Why do I get nervous before getting involved in a basketball game (I play in a recreational league)? Every game is a new game, and I have no grounds to believe that it will go badly. Yet, the past has shown me that things can go wrong. When I was in grade school, I don't remember feeling nervous before games, and performed exceptionally well. In this past season I felt like my thinking had been limiting my capabilities, and I had forgotten how to believe in myself, a natural and innate ability I was born with.

Not to brag, but in grade school I remember making shots from half court, randomly throwing the ball up in the air and dropping shots (as if they were ordained, before the beginning of time, to propel through that hoop), making steals, making passes, grabbing boards, and ultimately emerging as the top scorer in every game. Certainly there is something to be said about the competitive nature of sports, but I do wonder if it's not my own paradigm that has limited the possibilities in the present.

Today I find myself in a crunch of sorts. My financial advisor tells me that I have about a year before my funds run out. Perhaps this is due, in part, to my lack of "real-world" work experience. I have been teaching guitar for about 7 years now, and have had the odd job working with Japanese exchange students, serving beer at Latino festivals, coding websites, and have even made some money at selling CDs and performing music. This has been enough to get me by, but not enough to sustain my current lifestyle, and I have been challenged to evaluate my situation. I have been self-employed since the day I graduated College, but I may be joining the "real" work force in the near future.

I am not really worried about my financial situation anymore than usual, but it is at times like these that I want to call on my "birthright". Looking for new work and trying new things can be somewhat nerve-wracking, even a little scary, but I hope that my thinking doesn't limit my possibilities unnecessarily. Surely there are ideas I have yet to explore, horizons I have yet to trace, and first steps I have yet to take. I am relying on my courage and childlike faith to get me by.

I got up at 7 today so I would have more time to search my soul and try new things. It may not be long before I hear that telephone ring, urging me towards the 9 to 5 workforce, but for now I still have time to work towards my artistic goals and give some new things a try.