February 2010 Archives

Over the last couple of weeks, I have found it very useful to spend time plotting out my days. When a week is about to end, I think about what needs to get done in the coming week, and then slot in a certain amount of time for each task. My tool of choice is Google Calendar. If you have a Mac, then iCal should serve you well.

At first, I had some resistance to planning my day down to the last minute. We all need margin in our lives, and abiding by a strict schedule can be rather exhausting. Here are some tips that should help you to organize your timetable in such a way that prevents you from becoming overworked:

1. Leave some margin
At first I didn't want to have my whole day planned out because I knew I would need some margin. If you're a living, breathing creature, at any given time you may need to:

• take a break
• talk to your roommates/spouse
• get a glass of water
• check the mail, or
• go to the bathroom.

Make sure to leave some time in your schedule for all of those things.

It's also a good idea to leave 10 to 15 minutes in between each activity so you have time to transition from one to the next. At times, it may be profitable to continue working on a task until it's done, but still at other times it may be a good idea to take a break and come back to it later. This is something you can figure out for yourself.

2. Few things thrive under pressure
You have probably heard it said that there is good stress and bad stress; When we try to do too many things all it once it is easy to become overwhelmed. However, if you spend an hour or two at each task, it is far less taxing. Not only that, but you will often find that you can accomplish more if you focus on a particular project for an hour or two before moving on to the next one. Keep in mind that it takes time to transition from one task to the next, and to shift your focus.

There is something to be said for multitasking, but only when you're actually able to do two things at once. Most forms of multitasking force you to divide your attention and time between several different tasks. This is actually counterproductive. A good example of multitasking is listening to audio programs or podcasts while driving or exercising. Most people listen to something in their car anyway; you may as well listen to something that's going to enrich your life! Brian Tracy says that on average, most people spend 500 hours a year in their car. Can you imagine the benefit gained from turning your car into a Mobile University?

3. Remain flexible
I've basically touched on this already, but I can't stress it enough: Don't be so precious with your time that you're unwilling to make compromises. At times, "distractions" are actually healthy. If your priorities are out of line, you may wind up sacrificing your health or family for the sake of productivity. I am not encouraging that in the least.

Ultimately, there are few things more rewarding and more important than relationships. As the infamous Mr. Miyagi says in the Karate Kid, "To make honey, young bee need young flower, not old prune." Your relationships will help you to "make honey", but toiling away on your own will only make you an "old prune". Make a decision for balance, not excess!

I grew a great deal over the course of the year. Not only did I spend a lot of time learning about anxiety, I also read a lot, and listened to a lot of audio programs and podcasts. I started purging some unhealthy habits from my life. I made a lot of changes.

What I realize now is that I still lacked focus. I read a variety of books by different authors, and listened to podcasts on a myriad of subjects. However, being a young Christian, there were a lot of things I needed to get clear in my mind. I was starting to get a truer picture of God, if that makes any sense.

In a sense, anxiety had held me back from pursuing my passions. Anxiety is fear, and I have heard Brian Tracy say that humans can become afraid of every imaginable thing. However, I am not saying that I lost something because of my anxiety. By the grace of God, I grew, and learned so much more than I would have otherwise. God is good.

By November, I felt free from anxiety. I had kept to a strict diet, and regularly practiced relaxation techniques such as deep breathing. Although some of my fears did return around Christmas time, my anxiety has never swelled up to the same extent that I experienced in February, March, or April. Praise God.

There's a great deal more I could say about 2008, but I think I touched on most of the seminal moments. I hope you enjoyed this read, and I pray and hope that you have gained something from it.

Earlier in the year, my mom had talked about taking a vacation to Hawaii. I thought that it would be a good idea, considering how stressed I was when my mom proposed the idea.

In October, this plan became reality. We planned a trip to the island of Kauai, supposedly one of the most beautiful islands in Hawaii.

I think it's fair to say that there's always a bit of anxiety when traveling to places you've never been to before, but I was able to push most of that aside. I was half expecting Kauai to be like a Third World country, but I was relieved to find that it was very much like home in many respects (except for the fact that it was significantly warmer).

When we attended orientation on our first morning, we were bombarded with a host of options. There were several people promising an adventure of a lifetime. It can be a little hard to decide when you have so many options, but at least we could gather a sense of what we wanted to do while visiting.

Ultimately, I spent a lot of time by the pool reading. I found this to be quite relaxing, and of course I could jump in the pool at any time if I felt like it. I have heard it said that it takes about a week to adjust to "vacation mode", because in our society, we're in "work mode" most of the time. Since we really only had about a week and half in Kauai, I'd like to think that I spent my time wisely by laying it back.

Nevertheless, we did attend a Luau. It felt somewhat commercial, to be honest, but of course Hawaii has been a popular vacation destination for many decades.

We also went on a helicopter ride around the island, and this was awesome. Kauai truly has some beautiful locations that would be hard to reach on foot or otherwise.

Another defining moment for me was swimming in the ocean. To make a long story short, I had become rather afraid of swimming in salt water because I was poisoned once on a beach in Malaysia. In Kauai, I left my fears behind, and decided to give it another try. It was a liberating experience.

When all was said and done, I felt like I got a second chance at summer. Not to say that I had lost summer, but it wasn't exactly what I had hoped for. In Kauai I had the chance to recharge my batteries, and relax in the sun.

As an aside, the book I read during my stay in Hawaii was Joel Osteen's Your Best Life Now. There was someone who pointed out to me that Joel Osteen "waters down the gospel", but I nevertheless enjoyed the book. Certainly, you shouldn't confuse it for the Bible, but there is something we can all learn from Joel: childlikeness.

I was finally able to play guitar again. For several months, my wrestle with anxiety was so severe that I was barely able to bring myself to practice. When summer came along, however, I had newfound inspiration.

For one thing, I was starting to feel a lot healthier. I had spent a great deal of time learning about anxiety and relaxation techniques. Secondly, I just had my heart broken. Even though I had fallen in love, I had to let go of her. And thirdly, I started jamming with a friend who provided newfound inspiration. Although it didn't last long, it was just enough to get me writing again. Because of anxiety, I had lost sight of my passion. It was gradually starting to come back again.

Over the course of the next few months, I wrote a lot of new material. The music began to flow again. I had felt like I was in a rut since writing material for my first album, Shipwrecked... My Sentiments in 2005. For the first time in 3 years, I had found my stride again.

Sometimes humans aren't eloquent creatures. We don't really know how to grieve. I had probably spent the last 3 years grieving over the same loss, trying to find healing on my own. I had written songs about the same frustrations. I have heard it said that we tend to recreate our past circumstances, and unless we change, that remains true.

I felt that I had a very strong collection of songs. For once, they were directly from the heart. There was nothing interfering with my ability to communicate what I was feeling.

In the subsequent months, I had the chance to get together with "the girl" a couple more times. She lived in a different city, though, and this made it a little difficult to keep in touch. On the up side, by the time I got together with her in July, I had found a great deal of healing and restoration from my anxiety and was really thankful for meeting that woman who prayed for me.

I didn't know that this was to be my last meeting with "the girl". We had texted back and forth for quite some time, but only a few texts later we fell out of touch. It could have been a conscious decision on her part to purge me from her life, or it could have been inadvertent. I still don't know.

Regardless, at 25, for the first time in my life, I had fallen in love. I had never felt anything like that before. I was hoping that it would last, so when it started to fall apart, my heart broke.

At the time I had been playing with a new band that formed in February, and the guys were also my best friends. We took a camping trip one summer weekend (at least, I think it was a weekend) and they knew I was feeling sore about the whole situation. To this point, I had already been advised to "set her free", but it wasn't until this camping trip that I was counseled to erase all her texts and contact information from my phone.

Subsequently, that's exactly what I did. She didn't seem to be responding to any of my messages, so I finally let it go. We really didn't have much of a relationship yet, but I really liked her. Regardless, my friends told me that I was going through life like a robot (merely going through the motions) and it was killing me. I didn't want to do that anymore, so I had to let it go.

It isn't easy to release those things that we love, but it's a necessary part of our journey with God.

In March, I made the decision to go to a guitar workshop in April. I wasn't particularly excited about it when the day came, but decided to drive out anyway. I had an hour and a half drive ahead of me, so I had to get up early to get there on time and sign in.

I was still feeling quite anxious that day. I remember sitting through the sessions and noticing how I would get intense tingling sensations in my legs. This set off more stress responses in my head.

At the workshop, they gave attendees the opportunity to showcase their songs in front of everyone including the instructors, organizers, and general attendees. I decided to sign up for this, as I had the year before. I wasn't particularly afraid to perform, as I had already gained a great deal of performing experience from previous years. Not to mention the fact that I played a show only a day or two after having my anxiety attack.

So I went up, performed, and got some advice from the instructors. That was the cool thing about performing in front of the audience: you got some good feedback right on the spot.

After I performed, there was a woman who went up and sang a song about healing. This seemed like a completely alien concept to me, so I decided to go and talk to her after the performance.

When everyone was done performing, they gave us a supper break. Some people still lingered in the auditorium, and among them was the woman who sang about healing. I was going to talk to her, but saw that she was busy with someone else, and I almost walked right out of the auditorium. Something stopped me and made me turn back, and I saw that she was talking to the director who I wanted to talk to anyway. I decided to walk over to where they were, and politely waited until they had finished their conversation.

In the mean time, another girl started talking to me. She asked about my CD, and I showed her one. At some point she got a phone call and walked out of the auditorium. Finally, I had the chance to talk to the woman who sang about healing.

I told her that it was "really interesting", not really sure what I meant myself. When I told her about my anxiety and how I was struggling with it, she began to quote scripture and pray for me and declared God's healing over me. I hadn't experienced anything like it. I felt like I finally understood God. All my life I had considered myself a Christian, but it wasn't until this moment that I truly believed.

Then the girl from earlier came back. She sat there and prayed with the other woman, and eventually asked for a hug. I said, "of course". In that moment, in that embrace, I honestly thought I could marry this girl. I'm not sure what it was, but I felt a connection to her.

Here's the kicker: I didn't realize until later, but all this happened on my father's birthday. Although he had passed away over 10 years earlier, it was magnificent to think that the day of my salvation fell on my father's birthday.

I began to feel a lot better. I was able to spend a little more time with the girl, and enjoy the concerts that ensued. I was sure to get her contact information before I left, and left with a sense of belonging in this lonely world.

Subsequently, I still struggled with anxiety, but I made the decision to get better. I did a great deal of research (fortunately there was a website with an abundance of information on the subject), and started to change my diet, exercise plan, and relaxation habits.

It took a lot of time, but I started to feel better and better.

I came home after lessons one night, and started feeling pain in my chest and in my left arm. These symptoms sounded familiar: a heart attack? It couldn't be... I was only 25 and although I wasn't in the best shape of my life, I wasn't terribly unhealthy either.

In either case, I decided to alert my roommates to these symptoms, and they promptly drove me to the hospital. I was extremely nervous. My heart started palpitating and I couldn't breathe. Fortunately, by the time we got to the hospital, I started to calm down a little.

When we got there and checked in, they ran a few tests on me and asked me a few questions. They checked up on me a couple of times, but emergency was busy and there weren't any doctors to see me. At 4 or 5 AM, we finally decided to head home. I had figured that it couldn't be anything serious if I wasn't priority.

When we got home, I got a little nervous about that decision. I couldn't get to sleep. I went and knocked on my roommate's door and expressed my growing concern. He said to try to get some sleep. I remember writing a final note to God and my family that night. I wasn't sure if I would live to tell of what happened.

Fortunately I was able to get some sleep, and woke up alive the next morning. I had my roommate take me to the doctor, where it was deduced that I had an anxiety attack. The news put my mind at ease, even though the doctor said that it was serious. At least it wasn't a heart problem.

I had a blood test done to make sure nothing was wrong. The results came in and they did not point to anything unusual. I felt relaxed, at least for awhile.

However, many of the symptoms persisted. If anything, they felt more intense than before. I made several trips to the doctor, but they couldn't find anything wrong with me.

Some days I felt a bit better, and some days I felt a bit worse. Ultimately, I couldn't really seem to escape it. I was living in a cloud of anxiety. I sought out help, but I hadn't made a decisive course of action yet.