July 2009 Archives

First things first - my first ever podcast!

With all the shows I'm playing and musical projects I'm involved in, I only thought it apt to start my own podcast. Of course, I am open to suggestions, so if there's anything you'd like to see (or hear, as the case may be) in future episodes, please let me know.

And then there's this. You never heard it from me, but I hear this "Adorable Andrew" guy is up to some "interesting" stuff...

My friends have told me that I don't really love myself. There are clichés being thrown around to describe the symptoms: "you care too much about what other people think", and "you have to love yourself before you can love others". Then the ultimate challenge: you have to be OK with yourself even if you have nothing else. Wow.

As I was hearing this, I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I must admit that I have felt rather distant from myself at times. I think my friends might have a point.

If you've been following my blog you already know that I've been talking a lot about life. I've been writing in hopes that people will find their creative purpose and perhaps broach the subject with some gentleness. I take the time to think about what I write, because I don't want to put anything out there that doesn't resonate with me (though I have made that mistake before). What I'm trying to say is that I'm only human and I am not infallible. I don't claim to know everything, nor will I ever know everything there is to know.

But I digress. I have had a lot of time to think about what it really means to love myself. This morning I was reminded of an incident that took place a few years ago. My friend had brought some photos from a concert we had done, but I didn't like the way I looked in any of the photos. I thought that I had done a decent job of taking care of myself, but to my dismay I looked bloated and heavy. I didn't want to talk about it, but I eventually broke down and my friends knew something was wrong. "The willingness to take care of you has to come from inside", one of them said. "You have to love yourself."

At the time, that didn't connect with me, but I think I know what he means now. I went into counseling a few months later, and I started to get back on track. I graduated from counseling in December, and in many respects I was seeing the changes I was looking for in my life. Little did I realize that I still didn't love myself. I didn't know that was something I had to work on. I guess I equated loving myself with making the right changes in life. Certainly I have accomplished a great deal more, lost a lot of weight, and even made improvements in areas where I already had natural talent. I was somewhat perplexed to find that these changes haven't really helped me to view myself any differently.

Loving me seems so elusive. I have read articles on the subject, tried a lot of the things they suggested, but so far I'm not sure that it has made much difference. As I get honest with myself, I find that my desires are still human, and perhaps they will always be. I want to have Godly desires, but so far no amount of reading the Bible or studying books or listening to sermons has brought the kind of change I seek.

I'm not sure where the solution lies. Like anything worthwhile, it must be fought for and change is usually a gradual process. But right now it feels so esoteric and distant that I don't know where to start or what to do.

I've wanted to do this for awhile, and finally got around to finishing it: it's a parachutist!

It's a little more "realistic" than I wanted it to be, but I guess I shouldn't be complaining about realism with pixel art. The parachute and the cords attached took the longest to do, but everything else was done in a short amount of time.

Initially I wanted to create a logo for the "Parachute Bloggers Collective", but alas it is no longer. A short while ago I purged many of my blogs so I could focus on a few things rather than dozens of things. My "blogging about blogging" blog was one of the first to go, and that's where I had all the information about the Parachute Bloggers Collective.

In any case, it was a fun project and I have a couple more on the way. Stay tuned!